Lyrics:
I Put My Low Stat

© 2007 by Mary Crowell.

I put my low stat in charisma.
‘Don’t have no sex appeal.
I want to play the fighter,
So I can maim and kill.
‘Live like a monk,
‘Cause I’m no hunk.
Baby, what’s the deal?
I put my low stat in charisma.

I put my low stat in my wisdom.
I think I’ll play the thief.
Got a lot of skill points;
They bring me no relief.
I failed my save --
Charm Person’s slave.
Now I’ve come to grief.
I put my low stat in my wisdom.

I put my low stat in -- can’t spell it.
But, I think it means you’re smart.
I rolled up a barbarian,
And he’s a work of art.
Don’t call him ‘clown.’
He’ll hold you down,
And on your head he’ll fart.
I put my low stat in -- can’t spell it.

I put my low stat in dexterity.
I’ll play an armored priest.
When we all roll initiative
I always have the least.
‘Can’t save at all
Against fireball.
Now I am deceased.
I put my low stat in dexterity.

I put my low stat in my strength score,
And I can’t hit a thing.
I thought I might just be okay
If I had magic bling.
No vorpal sword,
And god, I’m bored!
I miss on every swing!
I put my low stat in my strength score.

[Syncopated vamp to prepare]

I put my low stat in constitution.
Now I’m always sad.
I usually go unconscious,
Which makes the cleric mad.
My blood won’t clot;
‘Got mummy rot;
‘ Eyesight’s really bad.
I put my low stat in constitution.

I don’t know where I’ll put my low stat.
It’s only seventeen.
I wonder why the other guys
Have started turning green.
You think they’d be
So glad for me.
Instead they’re really mean!
I don’t know where I’ll put my low stat.

I don’t know where I’ll put my low stat.
‘Think all the rolls were shit.
My dungeon master thinks it’s fun
To irk me just a bit.
“No class will work,”
I told the jerk.
“Well, you could always quit!”
I don’t know where I’ll put my low stat.
[Spoken] I know where YOU can stick that low stat!